Progress
Now I’m down to 149 pounds! I’ve been eating well, exercising – though I still need to step that up a bit. I haven’t had the tea again – but I know it’s there if I find myself craving a beverage besides water I can have it.
I have a big pile of stuff on my dining room table for ebay and I’ve been trying to psyche myself up for it, in addition to another large pile of correspondence that needs attending to. Cards to send, (and finish making!), CD’s to mail, pictures to mail, letters to write – that always gets me!
I am going to get to work – just wanted to write a quick note!
Dexatrimming
I know that’s bad. I just don’t know what else to do, since I clearly can’t seem to manage losing weight the old fashioned way. Monday, I noticed my legs were looking rather enormous, and I got on the scale to see I weighed a whopping 154 pounds. About 24 pounds too many. And that day I went out and bought some “natural” Dexatrim, (I last took the regular kind about 15 years ago – and it worked, by the way), and some “Weight control” tea. Monday night I logged 20,000 steps on the pedometer, including about a 4 mile walk/jog along the boardwalk. Dropped 2 pounds. Yesterday it rained, and I only had a paltry 4,000 steps, but I did my Margaret DVD including abs, pecs, triceps, inner & outer thighs. Dropped another 2 pounds. Today I briskly walked the kids to school, was almost home and saw I still had Alex’s backpack under the stroller, and walked to school and back again! It’s 9:30 and I’m already at 4,000 steps. I haven’t eaten a good breakfast yet (just a small bowl of carrots), but I have been eating well, and recording all my food intake. I gave up all alcohol, too. I only have been taking one Dexatrim in the morning and one cup of tea (instead of 3 each throughout the day). It still makes me feel like not eating, and without going into too much detail, there’s been some minor intestinal discomfort, but I’ll trade that for the fat anyday! I’d like to drop maybe 15 pounds with this, and then try doing it the normal way. I think it’s just too overwhelming and the supposedly healthy 1 or 2 pounds a week is not happening for me. I’m sure it’s because I eat emotionally, drank too many caloric beverages, and usually don’t exercise enough. All the common sense in the world can’t help me get past those numbers on the scale and I just give up before I make any progress. I took a big fat “before picture” in the spring – and swore I’d get in shape before beach season. Beach time has come and gone, and I’m just the same. Winter is hardest, because I hate being out in the cold, but right now it’s okay – and I’ve made arrangements to get together with a jogging buddy, with a call the night before if I’m getting to bed at a decent hour, so I can get up early while Trip is still home with the kids. I don’t know what else to say about all of it. And maybe it’s water weight I’m losing – I don’t really care. It’s easier for me to keep up and do the right thing if I feel like I’m almost there, and at least now I feel like I’m on my way.
Splitting Up
I’ve decided to make a new blog now, to keep my Gossamer Threads blog as I have, but to keep a new blog specifically to focus on my archiving, scrapbooking, photo crafts and related stuff. I feel like there might be a lot of people who share my interests and might enjoy learning along with me, and I don’t think those same people need to read all my personal business. (Though I don’t know if anyone reads my blog, except for a very kind man who left a comment on my last post.) It is cathartic for me to put my thoughts down in my journal, but I think that keeping some separation from the sometimes wildly personal thoughts I share, and the presentation of creative projects, research and technology related things will improve both areas of focus. I made an introductory post last night. I am going to pull some of my old material from here just to keep it all together, and let that blog encompass all of the things that will fit there.
I’ve also been gearing up to rewrite my web pages. This overhaul of the site feels so overwhelming some times, but I have to remember to just do one thing at a time, even for a few minutes, and I’ll continue to progress. I think I have to make a very detailed task list for that project and just work down the list. It’s telling that in the time I’ve been sitting to type this, I have been sidetracked into checking my To Do list in Lifebalance, was about to start looking up an online Advance Directive form – since it is on top of my list to make one – how many people said they were going to do this after the Terri Schiavo fiasco?
I need to start the pancakes – my Sunday ritual but I’m REALLY not in the mood today. Trip said something recently about going out for breakfast and it sounds like a really freaking good idea. I still haven’t listed a THING on ebay. Such a procrastinator – I even started reading a Wikipedia e-book on the subject of procrastination, while procrastinating about that ebay stuff. I did make some progress – I boxed several of the sets of boy clothing, and photographed many books and electronic stuff (phone, Gameboy, computer memory.) But the actual listing is what gets the money in. Maybe I can do it before I go over for my planned babysitting/housecleaning job for M________ tonight. ($50 for 6-10pm) I will have to get up and feed the boys now. I might be able to update later. I’m going to need to perk up and adjust my attitude if I’m going to be productive today.
The Island
Today I’m supposed to take the kids to “the Island” which years ago was a small fishing camp on an island in the Navasink River in Rumson. Rumson is very beautiful and elite – but the island is pretty rustic – it’s actually very pretty sitting on the deck at the bungalow. But I really hate going there. The beach is muddy sand, Jim is often an ass, Jim’s mother is annoying, my mom is generally stressed out because of Jim & his mother. I could go on and on, but I don’t have to be there. The boys are going for a visit with my mom & stepfather, with the added bonus that I get to drop them off. I was originally going to go wander around Red Bank by myself for a while, but my girlfriend Michele not only met me (with her girls) but treated me to lunch AND a Mocha Frappuccino at Starbucks, so it was lovely. I only have a tiny misgiving about leaving them there without my presence – I’m just going to tell my mom I want her in their presence at all times.
Mommy came here Monday and we had a wonderful visit. I was so glad for her company and help – especially since Trip had to work late Monday, got home late Tuesday because of the train, and then was just a little late Wednesday. Tuesday was Elliot’s 8th birthday, and our planned day with his two best friends at the Point. Pleasant boardwalk went really well. As an added bonus, my mom treated me to a really great haircut, which I was somehow able to get before the party in spite of the fact that the salon wasn’t even due to open till it would have been too late. I’m a little concerned that it will look bad when I’m the one in charge of fixing it after I wash it. So I figure today is the last day it will look this nice. Naturally, Trip didn’t even notice. Things have been kind of bad with us, I think – he’s been coming home late, and I just feel hopeless about the future.
My back is bothering me in a new bad way today. Some muscle running up my right side midway between my hip and my shoulder was killing me last night (when I was being woken up by Nathan, who was seeing his weird dots in his Night Terror dreams & Alex, who fell asleep just before dinner and then woke up disoriented and upset in the middle of the night and had to come sleep at my feet.) It’s still hurting – and I don’t know if I even want to try to go any where today because of it.
I’m pissed about a little thing – I had found a great bookcase & desk on Craig’s List and it fit great with the boys room – right in Asbury – she told me she would “consider it sold” and then yesterday emailed me that an earlier person was taking it. Whatever.
The house still looks great, I’m still fat holding rather steady between 148 and 151. Not good.
Update on Island visit – it’s actually two days after the fact, but I couldn’t just leave it out – Jim was a total asshole when I went to the house. I wound up getting “the Curse” while there – so though I didn’t have a mess to contend with, I really just wanted to get home immediately. I got a terrible headache and cramps, Jim had been slugging wine for a while (my mom said he was “speed drinking”, he made a derogatory racial comment (while discussing a rape and murder in front of my kids). I finally was able to leave and cried most of the way home – depressed about being stuck in that bungalow and feeling so shitty about it, having my period, when I’m really scared that I’m running out of time to get pregnant if I want to try and have a baby girl, and just being sad about my marriage in general. I settled down after a while, Laura called and stopped by and talking with her helped. Then when Trip got home it was kind of sucky, I was late making dinner after Laura’s visit, after dinner the kids were filthy and I had no help with getting them through the bath, then I came downstairs to Trip playing his video game. Not much talking, though he did tell me he had a bad day.
Drifting
It’s Saturday, dinner is done, and I’m considering my prospects for the evening. Yesterday I had a nice day – had a friend visit whose son I may be watching this fall – and everyone got along swimmingly. I was proud of myself for getting out early (when it was still cool) and taking care of the yard work – mowing (with the push mower), weed wacking (with the electric wacker), trimming the rest with the hand trimmers, and raking – all a little higher on my priority list since my in-laws family is all coming here tomorrow night for Elliot’s family birthday. Trip even got out this morning to do his part – which is the East side of the house – he does that about 3 times in the growing season so that it is like a jungle over there when he gets to it. I took the kids out to two playgrounds today, and then finished reading White Oleander, which I enjoyed pretty much. Last night wasn’t that good. I was going to baby sit M____’s girls in our new bi-monthly arrangement where I come over for four hours, babysit and clean house for $50. But, Trip called to say he was going to be late – and was just depressed, he’s late again, (home at 9pm), I ate with the kids, I’m getting very discouraged about the future here in NJ – I started drinking early. By the end of the night I had 4 drinks in me – I smelled like alcohol and even a little ill. Enough that a few times I just wished I could get sick and be done with the whole process. I really would soooo much rather get stoned than bother with alcohol – but it is not so easy (or affordable) to keep in stock. Though honestly, I should squirrel more weed money away rather than buying a six pack here and there.
M____’s brother came to visit her, and we learned that he happened to be in the audience that night that Dad played with Jaco Pastorius – following a not-so-impressive performance by Jimmy Page. As a matter of fact, he had sat down that night with my newfound aquaintance that sent me the tape, and they talked about how they had just witnessed a historic moment – whereupon my friend said, “And I taped it!” Of course, the name and number was lost after that night – so it’s remarkable that all these years later I was able to hand him the music on CD today. So crazy!
I got an email yesterday from another old friend of my Dad’s who knew me when I was a little girl – although I don’t remember his name – my mom said he was a good guy. It’s so funny that I longed for these connections through my youth – and now, though I don’t NEED them the way I thought I did back then, I am so happy to be in contact with these people from my past. My mom & Jim are having a party tonight with a bunch of their old crew – some of these same people, and I kind of wished I could just stop in and say hi – but it’s just not convenient -and really I think I wouldn’t want to hang all night to be reminded of how much older we all are.
I’m thinking I don’t want to drink a thing tonight – although I do enjoy the mild buzz. I don’t know what we are going to do – maybe watch Good Night and Good Luck. I feel kind of distant from Trip – I don’t want to talk to him, I really want to say I’m angry, I’m disappointed, I don’t feel like our marriage is happy. The other night I went jogging and saw all these people up at the boardwalk dancing to one of the bands that plays at the gazebo every night. I thought how nice it would be if we did things like that – but I know Trip would never want to. I mentioned it to Elliot, but I said, “Daddy probably wouldn’t want to go.” and he said, “He always says that.” Great. Actually when I mentioned it to Trip the next night, he said we could do it some time – we’ll just see about that.
I suggested that for our 10th anniversary we could have a party – invite our near and dear friends to celebrate with us (I had to explain why). He said he thought I wanted to go away for a night – maybe to Cape May. (?) I’m thinking why bother – an expensive dinner and maybe a little “date” in an expensive hotel. He said he definitely wouldn’t want to have a party – although quite honestly – all the work involved that he mentioned (plan it, clean the house, make the food, clean up from the party) is pretty much my domain, and all the things I generally do without much help anyway. Last night we had a “date” and I just hate the condoms. I felt the coldness of it – felt removed and almost said forget it. Last time he said something about how I never “finish” first – but always wait for him – so I didn’t wait last night, just – and then it just didn’t work out for him. Certainly didn’t help me feel any better about us.
I just got a call from L___ who might come by in a while with her husband. She always cheers me up. I guess I better go – I want to make a list of things I need to take care of for tomorrow. I’d like to have a low stress day and maybe (God Willing!) actually spend a day at the beach with the family. Even Trip – it will never happen.
Now it’s 9:36. L & V came over for a short visit and we had a nice time – and I’m booze free – though I am going to have that one Smirnoff Twister in the fridge. I have not made a list, but will do so tomorrow morning if not tonight. I am going to spend the night going through some magazines in my rack that need to be purged. Boring but I’ll enjoy it, and it really looks messy and overflowing. 3 down – about 20 to go! Trip is playing his video game. Ah married life!
Driven
I haven’t posted in over a week – but it’s been a solid week of activity – and I’m feeling so good about the project I just finished! Last night (although I was up till 3:30 and I’m going to pay for that later) I finished cataloging my entire collection of my Dad’s music. I finally realized it was time to ask for help with the long hoped for transfer of Dad’s music to digital form. (and honesty it was some more of the Getting Things Done philosophy.) This stuff has been on my list for too long – and it’s because it’s really too hard for one person who doesn’t have the spare time, or the technical setup or expertise to do it well. But several of the guys I’m in touch with are serious tapers – they do it all the time and have fantastic stills and equipment to do it well. But I needed to know what I have and get that list to them so we can prioritize, and also so I have a good record of what I may send out of the house. I’m not worried about the music, though. I have full trust in the two guys who are going to take on the project. They have shared many things with me already, and they are doing it out of love for Dad’s music.
On Monday Trip took the day off and we had a nice time at home – but I was working – I contacted two authors of articles on my Dad – one from the Daily News and one from the Village Voice – in order to get their permission to use their work on my site. they were both very sweet – and I have transcribed them both and did a nice revision of my dad’s site with lots of new pictures.
The impetus for all this activity on his page was a surge of emails from some old friends of his – it got the wheels turning again. More photos will come – more recordings will come – but i felt the need to fill in some more of the blanks and make the page a little nicer. Everyone has been wonderfully supportive.
On Sunday we had a big family get together at the beach with Aunt B_______ and our Mitchell family. I was a bit down because I was worried about getting a big announcement from J_____ about the sex of their baby. Please let it be a boy. I really don’t want to face a lost dream with them every time we have a family get together. Plus they are so friggin annoying!
I think I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping up with the house, and playing with the boys like a good mom. I’m holding steady at 150 pounds, and have barely exercised, but I’ll get there some time. I feel like this process, although painfully slow, requires that I deal with some mental things before I can really embrace a new mindset towards food and exercise. But I’m working on building better habits. Money is still tight . Trip finally got his raise, and we seriously thought they screwed it up because it didn’t seem like much retro pay. Of course, Trip had big plans for that first retro pay, even though it seems like every extra bit of cash that comes in is spoken for in a big expenditure when it really should go towards paying down our debts. Since he bought me a much needed RAM upgrade, I can’t complain too much. But still. I have to get ready for work – My Dear M-I-L will be here any minute and I’m not ready!
New Attitude
I hesitate to say I’m back on track – only because I so easily fall off. But, at long last I woke up ready to exercise – did my Margaret DVD AND then did a “vintage” tape – The Firm – which is Oh So Eighties. It features a cast of anorexically thin men and women with feathered or curly big hair. However, it’s aerobics with weights, and supposedly results will show within 10 workouts. I usually can’t break a sweat – and even in the air conditioning I was definitely feeling it and sweating. I am having a nice salad for breakfast- 2 cups of organic salad greens, 1/4 of a cucumber, 1 shredded carrot, some dried cranberries & about 7 grape tomatoes, along with 2 tablespoons of Goddess Dressing. Then I’ll have my iced coffee with fat free half and half, and have to hustle to get my kids out the door and over to the store. I have to get “Lunch & Drinks” to share at my friend Maria’s house – which is like a pleasure palace for kids. A pool, hot tub, huge playroom, trampoline, sandbox, climbing gym, and two boys who live there with other assorted friends coming. The house just had a huge makeover a few years ago and looks amazing. I rarely see Maria, as we move in different circles. She was my La Leche league leader, and we used to hang out a lot more. I’m going because I miss the old times, although I know they are passed – she has definitely changed a lot. She used to go to our Unitarian Universalist congregation, and now she’s returned full force to her once withered Catholic roots. But, despite the religious aspects and putting aside the fact that her house is easily triple the size of mine, and their income maybe quadruple – I am clearly not quite part of her inner circle, just passing by in the outer orbit. I never did list the ebay stuff, but the yard sale went well enough. I purged a huge load. Later!
Getting My House Back
Our guest has left! Yes! As much as I wanted to be a supportive friend I learned several things during this episode.
1. Never trust Trip to making money negotiations. If we are going to “help out a friend” who is going to “chip in and give some money towards the household” I’m having that discussion. If I dwell on this I’m going to get pissed off, so moving right along…
2. Only REALLY GOOD friends get this kind of help. This friend was a passing acquaintance of mine – and apparently not that close a friend of Trip’s. Too many things were too awkward to say – and with a really good friend we shouldn’t have that problem. Also, I think really good friends would understand more the nature of the helping – and contribute accordingly.
3. No exercise equipment or storage! I can’t go into too many details – but putting up a friend is one thing – storing all the assorted bullshit this person feels the need to cart around is ridiculous.
But my guest room is back – I will be sending a bill for the difference in our water bill – and now I have another big project to move forward on. In the midst of this “visit” I did a major house purge. The results of that work are now piled unattractively in my dining room. In addition, for over a year I have had several other things piled under furniture in my dining room that fall in the “Sell on Ebay” category – which for me always means PROCRASTINATION! So TODAY I am going to move the stuff for the yard sale over to the location of the sale – Trip’s Aunt’s house. And TODAY I am going to list SOMETHING on Ebay – enough is enough! And we need the money!
Speaking of which – we had a little reprieve from our woes. Trip sold some computer stuff to a friend and we got a nice bit of money to hold us over till his next paycheck which will hopefully include the raise. when I typed that line I felt an ominous stressful clutch in my stomach – so I forced myself to check the bank account and it looks okay. I would love to never have that sick feeling again. Someday!
I finished reading Getting Things Done – and although I haven’t fully processed my IN box – still need to collect it all – I have:
Purged all the rooms of the house including the attic & basement (except my sewing room – just the corners left, also in the interest of full disclosure I was unable to face the “Skinny Summer & Skinny Winter” clothing bins in the attic)
Cleaned out my email program of over 100 old messages – several replies I needed to make (some several years old!)
Cleared my desk – but I already need to do it again
In addition, my “This is My Life” photo scanning project is complete through July of 2002. I got my digital camera in November of 2003, so I will be done soon. Eden was a big help to me, scanning and photo editing. She rules!
Regarding Eden – she came (forced to sleep on the couch as my guest room was still under siege) for a two night visit and we had a GREAT time. She was wonderful with the boys – even reading them stories to put them to sleep – and remarkably she moved Nathan into the boys room – he is finally out of our bed. Granted, we weren’t ready to push the issue – although there have been a few times lately when I’ve wished he was out already. But it just happened while she was here – and I am not going to go backwards! He still wakes up a little disoriented and sometimes cries in the morning, but that’s fine. Progress! I guess I have to go make the kids breakfast and move through the day. My list said “Update Blog” at the top for several days now. It’s said Exercise for even longer. (since last month when I got The Curse!) but now I’m going to force myself to do it. List for today:
Make breakfast
15 minute super fast houseclean (which will put it all back nicely)
Exercise – Abs, Gluteals at least, maybe later a bike ride
Move stuff to Aunt Kathi’s house
List 15 things on ebay
I’ll report back here next time.
Stressed about $
I would so love to not have to worry about money constantly. And I am SO looking forward to our house guest “checking out” this weekend. Of course, someone who is checking out has usually paid to stay, and that is NOT the case here. This despite the fact that I very clearly asked Trip and was assured that they had spoken about it. The balls on someone to stay and entire month, taking showers, doing lots of laundry (running the dryer with one shirt when he wants to press it!), having his kids over (and all showering – using up about 40 towels in the process) and never offering a dime! My sister is supposed to come this weekend – and I am having a yard sale – and I have had to stage the piles of stuff in the dining room, instead of the primo corner of the living room because of that freakin exercise machine of his. Good Grief! I will move on…
Something nice happened the other day. I was reading My Confederate Kinfolk by Thulani Davis and I was completely moved by her words. I was agitated and emotional – it’s hard to describe exactly what was going on with me – except that I felt she had expressed some deeply held feelings for me. So I thought I had to talk with her. (crazy?) I Googled her in NY, and boom – a phone number. I called and she answered. And the stammering began. I wasn’t exactly stammering, but I WAS extremely nervous and honestly didn’t know how to begin. But I was polite, apologetic for disturbing her at home, and had the forethought to ask if it was a good time for her to talk or if she would prefer I contact her by email. She was on the other line, and had to walk the dog, and said I could email her. I wrote her a nice, and rather coherent note – explaining my feelings and how I was enjoying her book. She wrote back a wonderful note – it was her birthday and she said my note was “a lovely present”. She checked out my website and admired my work in many areas. She looked me up on a map and noted that she had been to Long Branch. I would love to meet her some day, and talk some more. She is the kind of person I could see being a friend to.
The day started so nicely, and then I got The Good News. Trip called to say his raise had gone through (with the Retro Pay of about $500.) so could we go out to dinner? Sure! I picked him up at the train station, we went out to Ichiban where I had my favorite – Una Ju – broiled eel over rice with oshinko pickles, miso soup and a double salad order – PLUS a Blue Hawaiian! Then we went grocery shopping on the way home – I had been waiting till he got paid because things were so dire. Then we got home and THE BAD NEWS. He DID NOT get the raise yet. He mistakenly looked at Retro Pay Year to Date (that showed his last late payment of a raise). So now (after paying all the bills I had stacked up) we have to live on $55 till August 2. WTF!
Yesterday I shifted into high gear preparing for the yard sale. I purged the basement, the bathroom cabinets, and my dresser. Then M___ came over and helped me with the boys closet, my closet, and the attic. It would be nice if Trip would actually do some in his office – or at least tidy it up – I asked him. But he said he already did get rid of everything. JUST TRY LOOKING!!!! If I can do the whole freaking rest of the house – can’t he do his damn office!!!??! Then we got our tax bill. The property taxes are going up by what averages to $120 a month starting August 1. I can’t get a break!!!
So now it’s Friday. I’m hoping the kids will cooperate so I can take the to the nice park and the Spray Ground, but it’s not starting out well. Alex is whining because his shorts keep falling down and won’t change them. I gotta go move the day along. Adios!
Getting Things Done – Again!
When I first discovered David Allen’s Get Things Done – I found his website after searching through some personal productivity sites – I really was thrilled, and immediately found myself blazing through “things” in a remarkable way. However, I never really implemented his system, and maybe haven’t quite yet, but I’ve gotten much further along. I sat at my desk yesterday and collected my “in” box. I’ve been thinking of a few things here and there, but already the mental distraction of “projects left undone” is lifting. My desk is still clear. Of course, I already had a great deal of my projects listed in my Life Balance program, but it is much fuller now. I also adjusted a very important reminder – a key part of David Allen’s system. I had put in my Life Balance program Weekly Review, but I forgot to set it to remind me weekly, so naturally, it never got done again. I am currently borrowing his book through inter-library loan, and find the ideas are really sinking with much more clarity of purpose. My Current Projects have been separated from Someday/Maybe with greater distinction, so there is less likelihood of my simply skipping over them because I never really committed myself to finishing them. I’m learning how to split Projects into Action Steps so that I can take those Next Actions and move forward. In the past, I just included the Project in my list – but would never attempt any progress. (No more “Update Website”!) Now I have broken it up into small tasks that can be done and checked off. So in the last two days I’ve:
Made a Thorough Sweep of my desk, it’s drawers and files, in order to get a real handle on my In Box.
Read 1/3 of a book: My Confederate Kinfolk, by Thulani Davis. It’s right up my alley!
Purged my Sewing Room bookshelves
Mowed the lawn
Folded & put away a load of laundry
Trimmed the edges with my weed wacker
Swept my front walk
cleaned out my fridge
Started dinner hours ago in the Crock Pot(!)
Took the kids to Spring Lake Park – I always give myself “Good Mom” points when I get the kids to the park.
While I was at the park, I ran into an old friend and neighbor of mine with her new baby daughter. It’s funny because out of everyone I knew in that area, including this girl’s brother’s and sister, she is the only person I’ve ever seen again, and this is about the 3rd time. I see her about once every 5 years at this point. But now I think we’ll keep in touch. It was so nice to see her and she looked so happy and vibrant. We weren’t best buddies as kids, but she seems really sweet. I was glad to hear that her sister is also happy (with 3 boys, naturally) but also attachment parents, and is like minded in many ways from what I hear. Her daughter is from China, and of course had me thinking about adopting again. It doesn’t take much, does it. Anyway, I’m off to exercise! (I fell off the exercise wagon – as I do every month – when I got “the Curse”.) Despite repeating affirmations about daily exercise, I haven’t really been good with it. I’ll try again. Holding steady at 150 pounds, Goddess help me!
Gossamer Threads 