Progress
Now I’m down to 149 pounds! I’ve been eating well, exercising – though I still need to step that up a bit. I haven’t had the tea again – but I know it’s there if I find myself craving a beverage besides water I can have it.
I have a big pile of stuff on my dining room table for ebay and I’ve been trying to psyche myself up for it, in addition to another large pile of correspondence that needs attending to. Cards to send, (and finish making!), CD’s to mail, pictures to mail, letters to write – that always gets me!
I am going to get to work – just wanted to write a quick note!
Dexatrimming
I know that’s bad. I just don’t know what else to do, since I clearly can’t seem to manage losing weight the old fashioned way. Monday, I noticed my legs were looking rather enormous, and I got on the scale to see I weighed a whopping 154 pounds. About 24 pounds too many. And that day I went out and bought some “natural” Dexatrim, (I last took the regular kind about 15 years ago – and it worked, by the way), and some “Weight control” tea. Monday night I logged 20,000 steps on the pedometer, including about a 4 mile walk/jog along the boardwalk. Dropped 2 pounds. Yesterday it rained, and I only had a paltry 4,000 steps, but I did my Margaret DVD including abs, pecs, triceps, inner & outer thighs. Dropped another 2 pounds. Today I briskly walked the kids to school, was almost home and saw I still had Alex’s backpack under the stroller, and walked to school and back again! It’s 9:30 and I’m already at 4,000 steps. I haven’t eaten a good breakfast yet (just a small bowl of carrots), but I have been eating well, and recording all my food intake. I gave up all alcohol, too. I only have been taking one Dexatrim in the morning and one cup of tea (instead of 3 each throughout the day). It still makes me feel like not eating, and without going into too much detail, there’s been some minor intestinal discomfort, but I’ll trade that for the fat anyday! I’d like to drop maybe 15 pounds with this, and then try doing it the normal way. I think it’s just too overwhelming and the supposedly healthy 1 or 2 pounds a week is not happening for me. I’m sure it’s because I eat emotionally, drank too many caloric beverages, and usually don’t exercise enough. All the common sense in the world can’t help me get past those numbers on the scale and I just give up before I make any progress. I took a big fat “before picture” in the spring – and swore I’d get in shape before beach season. Beach time has come and gone, and I’m just the same. Winter is hardest, because I hate being out in the cold, but right now it’s okay – and I’ve made arrangements to get together with a jogging buddy, with a call the night before if I’m getting to bed at a decent hour, so I can get up early while Trip is still home with the kids. I don’t know what else to say about all of it. And maybe it’s water weight I’m losing – I don’t really care. It’s easier for me to keep up and do the right thing if I feel like I’m almost there, and at least now I feel like I’m on my way.
WordPress Learning Curve
A few things prompted my move to WordPress. I have struggled with my blog since I got it. I never felt like I could easily add pictures, or links (without writing html). I found I really wished I could make categories, but couldn’t. I tried using Journler, which I love for keeping my memories organized, but the inability to make titled entries made that less than ideal for blogging. A few weeks ago, I decided that my personal blogging is best kept separate from my archiving and family history blogging. And that has been tricky for me getting started. Then, only last week I discovered that my Safari browswer was preventing me from seeing several buttons that would make it easy to add links, format, add pictures, etc. I switched to Firefox and then within a day switched to Camino, which Trip tells me is very stable, and seems to be working well.
I had read about WordPress a few times in the last few weeks and finally decided to give it a go. I will not judge it based on the last two days of wrangling the blogs around. It’s not even worth repeating here all the frustration with trying to manage both blogs in one place, dealing with their management when I was trying to host them on my own space, trying to locate all the themes I was looking at yesterday in WordPress, and now having to re-do the work I did in customizing one of them. I now have both blogs here, and I’m trying to make them work. This week was a big work week for me and I didn’t even have my regular Wednesday with Frank. I babysat a little boy Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday, worked for Gee Gee doing computer consulting, did some work for Frank via phone, hemmed several pairs of curtains, babysat two little girls yesterday for a grand total of $285. And the house has not fallen apart, in fact it looks great! I have to get back to trying to figure out these blogs. So I’ll hopefully post again soon.
Goodbye to my sweet kitty Robin may he Rest in Peace
I had to put my poor kitty Robin to sleep. He was almost 17 years old. I got him when I was a junior in college – I had been planning to get a cat for a while, even bought some adorable kitten food (cunningly packaged in pastel baby colors). Then my roommate adopted a cat – used my cat food, named him Eric of all things – (after her boyfriend!) and she didn’t like him hiding under her bed, and tried to keep him trapped in his cat carrier, where he would cry. So I wound up asking her if I could adopt him from her. I named him Robin because I like that name, and thought that between Christopher Robin, Robin Hood, Batman and Robin, and Robin, Kermit the Frog’s nephew, he was in good company for his name although people often said it was a) a girl name, and b) a weird name for a cat. He was a pedigree Scottish Fold, but the straight eared kind (they either come straight or folded) – and he was only sold as a “pet” not a breeder. He came home with me a few times to New Jersey from college in Tucson, then moved with us to Boulder and back. He was a very sweet cat, and I think he was cuter than most other cats because of his nice big eyes and wide face.
He’d been getting older, and had gotten very skinny. But he aged rather suddenly in the last month or so. Two weeks ago he had a bad fall – he had been “missing” jumps more regularly for a while now, but this was pretty bad – I almost thought it was the end. But after a few hours he seemed better. Looking back now, I think maybe he never was quite himself after that fall. Since then I don’t think I saw him quite happy and I don’t think I got him to purr much, although I had been carrying him around a lot since he fell, trying to baby him. The way I used to carry him was to scoop him up and place his paws on my shoulders, and I would hold him securely under his bottom and pet him and scratch his ears. He used to always snuggle in for that, and purr, but that hasn’t happened for a while. Then he stopped eating recently. Then, although he was mostly sleeping his entire day for quite a while now, he suddenly started sleeping with his head towards the wall, back to the room all the time. Then today he had an accident upstairs first thing, then by this afternoon his legs no longer seemed to support him, although he was down to nearly feather weight. He could barely walk, hardly sit comfortably, just moved slowly and wobbly around and mostly slept.
This was undoubtedly the hardest and saddest day for me besides days I lost loved ones in my human family. I was fortunate in being able to drop my Alex and Nathan off with a good friend, had Elliot picked up from school by another good friend, and had the company of my best friend Stephanie while we went to the vet. I wanted to take him to my home vet, and had been on the phone with them many times today, although I never committed to coming down there. But they were short a vet today and once I finally called to tell them I was on my way, they told me they couldn’t see us today. What a trauma now that I had finally gotten to accepting that I must do this very difficult thing. We took him to another emergency clinic. It was awful as you can imagine, but they were as kind and gentle as anyone could hope. I had spent a good deal of time this afternoon looking up things on the internet to help me figure it all out. Only after the fact did I find the kind of site I was looking for that explained everything and helped with processing this awful time. It was a little too late for some things. For one, I would have held Robin’s eyes shut when he got the shot, so I could hold on to an image of him looking asleep, instead of seeing his little body and his eyes open when he died. My camera is broken and I’m borrowing someone else’s. I’m sure if I had my old camera I would have tried to get one last picture with him at home, although he hasn’t really been himself these last few days. As it was, I talked myself out of trying to take a picture. It wasn’t the same old Robin anyway, and if I was looking as poorly as he was in his final days, I really wouldn’t have wanted anyone taking pictures, even if it was to grasp onto my memory.
I went through all my pictures in my computer, and though I know of at least one other photo of Robin which I don’t see in this bunch (and it’s a picture that I really love) I have only 12 pictures of him from his whole life. Not that he liked having his picture taken. And I will make a nice memorial for him with those that I have. But I wish I had some more pictures of him, and even more, I wish I never had to lose such a good kitty. He really was a very sweet affectionate and cute cat, never overly pushy, never psycho or neurotically shy. He was soft and clean and always happy to see me. Before I had kids, he was my baby – and I know it must have been kind of hard for him when those babies came along. But he still had a lot of love and affection, eventually from the boys who all loved him too, some more than others. I don’t know when I will be able to stop crying over him, although I have to keep it together for the boys. It’s just kind of hard going to sleep tonight. But I have to go. I’ll never forget my sweet little kitty Robin.
10 years and counting…
What a week it’s been! If you had asked me last week how things were going, you would have heard a sorry earful of woe. On the one hand, I was immersed in some work on my dad’s site, and excited about that. But at home, things had deteriorated to an awful state. And my ordinary tendency to ignore it, or at least bottle up my anger and resentment (because there is no point in trying to discuss things) was not going un-noticed. Trip and I finally were forced to talk, and even then, it wasn’t pretty. Our first attempt was sad and awful, and I was sure it was the end for us. But we are committed to each other and even though we are both unhappy about a lot of aspects of life we love each other. I think we were both so scared by the thought of breaking up our marriage that we just had to figure out how to fix it as best as we could. We each talked about the things that were bothering us. We admitted that both of us had to compromise, and that we had to be more proactive about communicating, and working together towards common goals. Not that it was said that way in so many words, but we really talked it all out, and I didn’t leave anything out. I even wrote things down and I have already seen some positive changes. So I feel so much better about married life. And I’m rather surprised about it all. I honestly would have said it was over with us, and that he wouldn’t change and I’ve had enough – but I would have been wrong. I still want to move out of New Jersey and I just have to hope Trip will be more receptive in the future, but for now, he’s willing to make this a better place by being more sociable, and he seems to finally understand that I need a daughter in my life some day, one way or another, and knowing he is with me on that is really helping me. I have hope now, where I didn’t before. All good things.
Splitting Up
I’ve decided to make a new blog now, to keep my Gossamer Threads blog as I have, but to keep a new blog specifically to focus on my archiving, scrapbooking, photo crafts and related stuff. I feel like there might be a lot of people who share my interests and might enjoy learning along with me, and I don’t think those same people need to read all my personal business. (Though I don’t know if anyone reads my blog, except for a very kind man who left a comment on my last post.) It is cathartic for me to put my thoughts down in my journal, but I think that keeping some separation from the sometimes wildly personal thoughts I share, and the presentation of creative projects, research and technology related things will improve both areas of focus. I made an introductory post last night. I am going to pull some of my old material from here just to keep it all together, and let that blog encompass all of the things that will fit there.
I’ve also been gearing up to rewrite my web pages. This overhaul of the site feels so overwhelming some times, but I have to remember to just do one thing at a time, even for a few minutes, and I’ll continue to progress. I think I have to make a very detailed task list for that project and just work down the list. It’s telling that in the time I’ve been sitting to type this, I have been sidetracked into checking my To Do list in Lifebalance, was about to start looking up an online Advance Directive form – since it is on top of my list to make one – how many people said they were going to do this after the Terri Schiavo fiasco?
I need to start the pancakes – my Sunday ritual but I’m REALLY not in the mood today. Trip said something recently about going out for breakfast and it sounds like a really freaking good idea. I still haven’t listed a THING on ebay. Such a procrastinator – I even started reading a Wikipedia e-book on the subject of procrastination, while procrastinating about that ebay stuff. I did make some progress – I boxed several of the sets of boy clothing, and photographed many books and electronic stuff (phone, Gameboy, computer memory.) But the actual listing is what gets the money in. Maybe I can do it before I go over for my planned babysitting/housecleaning job for M________ tonight. ($50 for 6-10pm) I will have to get up and feed the boys now. I might be able to update later. I’m going to need to perk up and adjust my attitude if I’m going to be productive today.
The Island
Today I’m supposed to take the kids to “the Island” which years ago was a small fishing camp on an island in the Navasink River in Rumson. Rumson is very beautiful and elite – but the island is pretty rustic – it’s actually very pretty sitting on the deck at the bungalow. But I really hate going there. The beach is muddy sand, Jim is often an ass, Jim’s mother is annoying, my mom is generally stressed out because of Jim & his mother. I could go on and on, but I don’t have to be there. The boys are going for a visit with my mom & stepfather, with the added bonus that I get to drop them off. I was originally going to go wander around Red Bank by myself for a while, but my girlfriend Michele not only met me (with her girls) but treated me to lunch AND a Mocha Frappuccino at Starbucks, so it was lovely. I only have a tiny misgiving about leaving them there without my presence – I’m just going to tell my mom I want her in their presence at all times.
Mommy came here Monday and we had a wonderful visit. I was so glad for her company and help – especially since Trip had to work late Monday, got home late Tuesday because of the train, and then was just a little late Wednesday. Tuesday was Elliot’s 8th birthday, and our planned day with his two best friends at the Point. Pleasant boardwalk went really well. As an added bonus, my mom treated me to a really great haircut, which I was somehow able to get before the party in spite of the fact that the salon wasn’t even due to open till it would have been too late. I’m a little concerned that it will look bad when I’m the one in charge of fixing it after I wash it. So I figure today is the last day it will look this nice. Naturally, Trip didn’t even notice. Things have been kind of bad with us, I think – he’s been coming home late, and I just feel hopeless about the future.
My back is bothering me in a new bad way today. Some muscle running up my right side midway between my hip and my shoulder was killing me last night (when I was being woken up by Nathan, who was seeing his weird dots in his Night Terror dreams & Alex, who fell asleep just before dinner and then woke up disoriented and upset in the middle of the night and had to come sleep at my feet.) It’s still hurting – and I don’t know if I even want to try to go any where today because of it.
I’m pissed about a little thing – I had found a great bookcase & desk on Craig’s List and it fit great with the boys room – right in Asbury – she told me she would “consider it sold” and then yesterday emailed me that an earlier person was taking it. Whatever.
The house still looks great, I’m still fat holding rather steady between 148 and 151. Not good.
Update on Island visit – it’s actually two days after the fact, but I couldn’t just leave it out – Jim was a total asshole when I went to the house. I wound up getting “the Curse” while there – so though I didn’t have a mess to contend with, I really just wanted to get home immediately. I got a terrible headache and cramps, Jim had been slugging wine for a while (my mom said he was “speed drinking”, he made a derogatory racial comment (while discussing a rape and murder in front of my kids). I finally was able to leave and cried most of the way home – depressed about being stuck in that bungalow and feeling so shitty about it, having my period, when I’m really scared that I’m running out of time to get pregnant if I want to try and have a baby girl, and just being sad about my marriage in general. I settled down after a while, Laura called and stopped by and talking with her helped. Then when Trip got home it was kind of sucky, I was late making dinner after Laura’s visit, after dinner the kids were filthy and I had no help with getting them through the bath, then I came downstairs to Trip playing his video game. Not much talking, though he did tell me he had a bad day.
Drifting
It’s Saturday, dinner is done, and I’m considering my prospects for the evening. Yesterday I had a nice day – had a friend visit whose son I may be watching this fall – and everyone got along swimmingly. I was proud of myself for getting out early (when it was still cool) and taking care of the yard work – mowing (with the push mower), weed wacking (with the electric wacker), trimming the rest with the hand trimmers, and raking – all a little higher on my priority list since my in-laws family is all coming here tomorrow night for Elliot’s family birthday. Trip even got out this morning to do his part – which is the East side of the house – he does that about 3 times in the growing season so that it is like a jungle over there when he gets to it. I took the kids out to two playgrounds today, and then finished reading White Oleander, which I enjoyed pretty much. Last night wasn’t that good. I was going to baby sit M____’s girls in our new bi-monthly arrangement where I come over for four hours, babysit and clean house for $50. But, Trip called to say he was going to be late – and was just depressed, he’s late again, (home at 9pm), I ate with the kids, I’m getting very discouraged about the future here in NJ – I started drinking early. By the end of the night I had 4 drinks in me – I smelled like alcohol and even a little ill. Enough that a few times I just wished I could get sick and be done with the whole process. I really would soooo much rather get stoned than bother with alcohol – but it is not so easy (or affordable) to keep in stock. Though honestly, I should squirrel more weed money away rather than buying a six pack here and there.
M____’s brother came to visit her, and we learned that he happened to be in the audience that night that Dad played with Jaco Pastorius – following a not-so-impressive performance by Jimmy Page. As a matter of fact, he had sat down that night with my newfound aquaintance that sent me the tape, and they talked about how they had just witnessed a historic moment – whereupon my friend said, “And I taped it!” Of course, the name and number was lost after that night – so it’s remarkable that all these years later I was able to hand him the music on CD today. So crazy!
I got an email yesterday from another old friend of my Dad’s who knew me when I was a little girl – although I don’t remember his name – my mom said he was a good guy. It’s so funny that I longed for these connections through my youth – and now, though I don’t NEED them the way I thought I did back then, I am so happy to be in contact with these people from my past. My mom & Jim are having a party tonight with a bunch of their old crew – some of these same people, and I kind of wished I could just stop in and say hi – but it’s just not convenient -and really I think I wouldn’t want to hang all night to be reminded of how much older we all are.
I’m thinking I don’t want to drink a thing tonight – although I do enjoy the mild buzz. I don’t know what we are going to do – maybe watch Good Night and Good Luck. I feel kind of distant from Trip – I don’t want to talk to him, I really want to say I’m angry, I’m disappointed, I don’t feel like our marriage is happy. The other night I went jogging and saw all these people up at the boardwalk dancing to one of the bands that plays at the gazebo every night. I thought how nice it would be if we did things like that – but I know Trip would never want to. I mentioned it to Elliot, but I said, “Daddy probably wouldn’t want to go.” and he said, “He always says that.” Great. Actually when I mentioned it to Trip the next night, he said we could do it some time – we’ll just see about that.
I suggested that for our 10th anniversary we could have a party – invite our near and dear friends to celebrate with us (I had to explain why). He said he thought I wanted to go away for a night – maybe to Cape May. (?) I’m thinking why bother – an expensive dinner and maybe a little “date” in an expensive hotel. He said he definitely wouldn’t want to have a party – although quite honestly – all the work involved that he mentioned (plan it, clean the house, make the food, clean up from the party) is pretty much my domain, and all the things I generally do without much help anyway. Last night we had a “date” and I just hate the condoms. I felt the coldness of it – felt removed and almost said forget it. Last time he said something about how I never “finish” first – but always wait for him – so I didn’t wait last night, just – and then it just didn’t work out for him. Certainly didn’t help me feel any better about us.
I just got a call from L___ who might come by in a while with her husband. She always cheers me up. I guess I better go – I want to make a list of things I need to take care of for tomorrow. I’d like to have a low stress day and maybe (God Willing!) actually spend a day at the beach with the family. Even Trip – it will never happen.
Now it’s 9:36. L & V came over for a short visit and we had a nice time – and I’m booze free – though I am going to have that one Smirnoff Twister in the fridge. I have not made a list, but will do so tomorrow morning if not tonight. I am going to spend the night going through some magazines in my rack that need to be purged. Boring but I’ll enjoy it, and it really looks messy and overflowing. 3 down – about 20 to go! Trip is playing his video game. Ah married life!
Driven
I haven’t posted in over a week – but it’s been a solid week of activity – and I’m feeling so good about the project I just finished! Last night (although I was up till 3:30 and I’m going to pay for that later) I finished cataloging my entire collection of my Dad’s music. I finally realized it was time to ask for help with the long hoped for transfer of Dad’s music to digital form. (and honesty it was some more of the Getting Things Done philosophy.) This stuff has been on my list for too long – and it’s because it’s really too hard for one person who doesn’t have the spare time, or the technical setup or expertise to do it well. But several of the guys I’m in touch with are serious tapers – they do it all the time and have fantastic stills and equipment to do it well. But I needed to know what I have and get that list to them so we can prioritize, and also so I have a good record of what I may send out of the house. I’m not worried about the music, though. I have full trust in the two guys who are going to take on the project. They have shared many things with me already, and they are doing it out of love for Dad’s music.
On Monday Trip took the day off and we had a nice time at home – but I was working – I contacted two authors of articles on my Dad – one from the Daily News and one from the Village Voice – in order to get their permission to use their work on my site. they were both very sweet – and I have transcribed them both and did a nice revision of my dad’s site with lots of new pictures.
The impetus for all this activity on his page was a surge of emails from some old friends of his – it got the wheels turning again. More photos will come – more recordings will come – but i felt the need to fill in some more of the blanks and make the page a little nicer. Everyone has been wonderfully supportive.
On Sunday we had a big family get together at the beach with Aunt B_______ and our Mitchell family. I was a bit down because I was worried about getting a big announcement from J_____ about the sex of their baby. Please let it be a boy. I really don’t want to face a lost dream with them every time we have a family get together. Plus they are so friggin annoying!
I think I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping up with the house, and playing with the boys like a good mom. I’m holding steady at 150 pounds, and have barely exercised, but I’ll get there some time. I feel like this process, although painfully slow, requires that I deal with some mental things before I can really embrace a new mindset towards food and exercise. But I’m working on building better habits. Money is still tight . Trip finally got his raise, and we seriously thought they screwed it up because it didn’t seem like much retro pay. Of course, Trip had big plans for that first retro pay, even though it seems like every extra bit of cash that comes in is spoken for in a big expenditure when it really should go towards paying down our debts. Since he bought me a much needed RAM upgrade, I can’t complain too much. But still. I have to get ready for work – My Dear M-I-L will be here any minute and I’m not ready!
New Attitude
I hesitate to say I’m back on track – only because I so easily fall off. But, at long last I woke up ready to exercise – did my Margaret DVD AND then did a “vintage” tape – The Firm – which is Oh So Eighties. It features a cast of anorexically thin men and women with feathered or curly big hair. However, it’s aerobics with weights, and supposedly results will show within 10 workouts. I usually can’t break a sweat – and even in the air conditioning I was definitely feeling it and sweating. I am having a nice salad for breakfast- 2 cups of organic salad greens, 1/4 of a cucumber, 1 shredded carrot, some dried cranberries & about 7 grape tomatoes, along with 2 tablespoons of Goddess Dressing. Then I’ll have my iced coffee with fat free half and half, and have to hustle to get my kids out the door and over to the store. I have to get “Lunch & Drinks” to share at my friend Maria’s house – which is like a pleasure palace for kids. A pool, hot tub, huge playroom, trampoline, sandbox, climbing gym, and two boys who live there with other assorted friends coming. The house just had a huge makeover a few years ago and looks amazing. I rarely see Maria, as we move in different circles. She was my La Leche league leader, and we used to hang out a lot more. I’m going because I miss the old times, although I know they are passed – she has definitely changed a lot. She used to go to our Unitarian Universalist congregation, and now she’s returned full force to her once withered Catholic roots. But, despite the religious aspects and putting aside the fact that her house is easily triple the size of mine, and their income maybe quadruple – I am clearly not quite part of her inner circle, just passing by in the outer orbit. I never did list the ebay stuff, but the yard sale went well enough. I purged a huge load. Later!
Gossamer Threads 