Drifting

August 12, 2006 at 9:43 pm (Family, Personal)

It’s Saturday, dinner is done, and I’m considering my prospects for the evening. Yesterday I had a nice day – had a friend visit whose son I may be watching this fall – and everyone got along swimmingly. I was proud of myself for getting out early (when it was still cool) and taking care of the yard work – mowing (with the push mower), weed wacking (with the electric wacker), trimming the rest with the hand trimmers, and raking – all a little higher on my priority list since my in-laws family is all coming here tomorrow night for Elliot’s family birthday. Trip even got out this morning to do his part – which is the East side of the house – he does that about 3 times in the growing season so that it is like a jungle over there when he gets to it. I took the kids out to two playgrounds today, and then finished reading White Oleander, which I enjoyed pretty much. Last night wasn’t that good. I was going to baby sit M____’s girls in our new bi-monthly arrangement where I come over for four hours, babysit and clean house for $50. But, Trip called to say he was going to be late – and was just depressed, he’s late again, (home at 9pm), I ate with the kids, I’m getting very discouraged about the future here in NJ – I started drinking early. By the end of the night I had 4 drinks in me – I smelled like alcohol and even a little ill. Enough that a few times I just wished I could get sick and be done with the whole process. I really would soooo much rather get stoned than bother with alcohol – but it is not so easy (or affordable) to keep in stock. Though honestly, I should squirrel more weed money away rather than buying a six pack here and there.

M____’s brother came to visit her, and we learned that he happened to be in the audience that night that Dad played with Jaco Pastorius – following a not-so-impressive performance by Jimmy Page. As a matter of fact, he had sat down that night with my newfound aquaintance that sent me the tape, and they talked about how they had just witnessed a historic moment – whereupon my friend said, “And I taped it!” Of course, the name and number was lost after that night – so it’s remarkable that all these years later I was able to hand him the music on CD today. So crazy!

I got an email yesterday from another old friend of my Dad’s who knew me when I was a little girl – although I don’t remember his name – my mom said he was a good guy. It’s so funny that I longed for these connections through my youth – and now, though I don’t NEED them the way I thought I did back then, I am so happy to be in contact with these people from my past. My mom & Jim are having a party tonight with a bunch of their old crew – some of these same people, and I kind of wished I could just stop in and say hi – but it’s just not convenient -and really I think I wouldn’t want to hang all night to be reminded of how much older we all are.

I’m thinking I don’t want to drink a thing tonight – although I do enjoy the mild buzz. I don’t know what we are going to do – maybe watch Good Night and Good Luck. I feel kind of distant from Trip – I don’t want to talk to him, I really want to say I’m angry, I’m disappointed, I don’t feel like our marriage is happy. The other night I went jogging and saw all these people up at the boardwalk dancing to one of the bands that plays at the gazebo every night. I thought how nice it would be if we did things like that – but I know Trip would never want to. I mentioned it to Elliot, but I said, “Daddy probably wouldn’t want to go.” and he said, “He always says that.” Great. Actually when I mentioned it to Trip the next night, he said we could do it some time – we’ll just see about that.

I suggested that for our 10th anniversary we could have a party – invite our near and dear friends to celebrate with us (I had to explain why). He said he thought I wanted to go away for a night – maybe to Cape May. (?) I’m thinking why bother – an expensive dinner and maybe a little “date” in an expensive hotel. He said he definitely wouldn’t want to have a party – although quite honestly – all the work involved that he mentioned (plan it, clean the house, make the food, clean up from the party) is pretty much my domain, and all the things I generally do without much help anyway. Last night we had a “date” and I just hate the condoms. I felt the coldness of it – felt removed and almost said forget it. Last time he said something about how I never “finish” first – but always wait for him – so I didn’t wait last night, just – and then it just didn’t work out for him. Certainly didn’t help me feel any better about us.

I just got a call from L___ who might come by in a while with her husband. She always cheers me up. I guess I better go – I want to make a list of things I need to take care of for tomorrow. I’d like to have a low stress day and maybe (God Willing!) actually spend a day at the beach with the family. Even Trip – it will never happen.

Now it’s 9:36. L & V came over for a short visit and we had a nice time – and I’m booze free – though I am going to have that one Smirnoff Twister in the fridge. I have not made a list, but will do so tomorrow morning if not tonight. I am going to spend the night going through some magazines in my rack that need to be purged. Boring but I’ll enjoy it, and it really looks messy and overflowing. 3 down – about 20 to go! Trip is playing his video game. Ah married life!