Hot & Sweaty – but not in a good way

July 12, 2006 at 5:18 pm (Family, Personal)

I’m enjoying a little quiet while my kids veg out in front of a Pokemon DVD that I’ve been saving for just this sort of opportunity. I had a really nice play date with my new friend L____ – it was so funny, her mother in law remembers me from the Smocking Club and from when I worked at Royce Sewing Center, and she loved my work. L____ has said she is so impressed with the house and my talents – and her mother in law apparently is too. I felt very special receiving their praise – it made me think I ought to be doing more with my life. Anyway, the boys get along really well – and the house is in terrific shape even after a 6-boy playfest, so that in itself is a miracle.

I have a few things to take care of – better make a list. I’m trying to think of what has transpired since I last wrote. Sunday I scrapbooked several pages of my 2002 photos – almost ran out of paper again, but I’m up to July. Monday I cleaned house, then went to a viewing for S____’s grandmother, who passed away last week. It was very fortunate that the dates for the service worked out well for my mother and father-in-law to take the boys so I could be there for her. Then I came home, pruned the front plants, swept the porch, cleaned out the fridge, pickled some cucumbers, made gazpacho, made kale salad, made grilled vegetables and shrimp, and a great salad for dinner, then after dinner played with my new software – Apple iWork – which includes Keynote & Pages. I thought that it would be great for me to use Keynote to do digital scrapbooking, but I think I am mistaken. It turns out to be much more of a learning curve for me, and I am beginning to think it’s a much better idea for me to try out that Memory Mixer – even though I’m pissed about the fact that it is supposedly a great mac program that seamlessly works with iPhoto, iTunes, and what not – it doesn’t send the movie to iDVD without a major intervention – basically doing all the sound editing from scratch and making it line up. I don’t want a CD Rom that I have to use in someone’s computer, I want to be able to send the thing right to iDVD! But it’s looking like a really nice program. Just have to save $79.00. I checked my but Life Balance “List of Things to Do” and though I can easily skip over the things at the top – according to my preference to balance my life with Me time among my other responsibilities and projects – it’s time to do my nails, steam my face & exercise. But instead I skipped those and went straight to “Pay Bills” (more like record the damage already done, and make note of the bills that will be paid late, when money is there to pay them!). Next was “Update Blog”. At least that’s good! After that I think I need to run around and give the house a 15 minute once-over. Then:

Take out the trash
Figure out Dinner
Vacuum Upstairs
Dust Upstairs
Then maybe some more scrapbooking.
Tomorrow it would be great if I could list some things on ebay – it’s amazing how fast that $300 went. Trip’s raise didn’t go through on time, although they submitted his paper work early – so annoying. At least they said it is retroactive, but that doesn’t help me right now. I have a late car and an almost late house payment! Eek! I bought gas and food with my Paypal money. My new hard drive arrived, but Trip couldn’t get it to mount, so he’s carrying on about the effort required to take apart my computer and that it might not work. Either way, I’m sure he’ll be complaining about it, and I will do my best to ignore the worst of it. It’s just his way.

I’m feeling quite a bit depressed again. I realized at Mimi’s funeral that another aspect of my wanting a baby girl – although I consider myself an enlightened woman – raising my kids without gender prescribed roles. It’s simply more socially acceptable and welcome for girls to nurture – period. And I witnessed that in action with Mimi and her family – it’s the girls who act as social glue. And I’m still just hurt about missing a girl. And I want to leave NJ and go to North Carolina.

Plus we had an incident with condoms that got me kind of pissed. I’m a bit annoyed now with our extended houseguest situation. I am sexually frustrated. I feel trapped and unhappy. I keep trying to remind my self to “Be Here Now” and not to neglect my current situation and miss the good things about my life, but I can’t help thinking about what is missing and the things I am so sad about. I am feeling angry that Trip is not even thinking about moving to Asheville now, and my baby dream is going to go up in smoke if I wait too long. I wonder if I’m being stupid by staying in a situation where I feel like these very important things are wrong, and my husband is not with me. I want to run away.