Affection

May 1, 2006 at 11:00 am (Uncategorized)

I am sitting to blog now specifically to release some awful feelings – I don’t even feel like I can talk to my closest girlfriends and I know I’m going to cry no matter what, but I don’t even know what to do with myself today. I was hoping to just throw myself into some housekeeping type stuff that needs doing, but I was up half the night crying, but trying to convince myself that Trip and can work out our problems, or trying to just come to terms that this must be the “worse” that we referred to in our vows, but that we (I) might have to accept things as they are because that’s what marriage is about.

In addition to the regular ups and downs of married life, in the background has been a terrible imbalance between my sex drive and Trip’s. I want it much more often than he does, when it happens it’s great, but it’s few and far between for me. Lately it seems like once a week, but at this point it’s very rarely twice in two nights, never on a weekday morning and rarely on weekend mornings, rarely more than two days in a week. And it’s been this way for a LONG time. I remember having a talk with him about this before we were married – and now I keep thinking I was stupid – and I shouldn’t have expected things to change. It’s not fair, really for Trip either.

He got a cold when we were away, and didn’t feel amorous, and actually was kind of gross, walking around hacking. But I think the last time was several days before we went away (last Sunday). Nothing on our vacation, then a fabulous “date” (that’s my general euphemism) Friday night, though he still has the cough. None Saturday, then today I was going to the store to stock up on food – we are out of everything – and he says “Don’t forget to pick up some fancy hats for me.” And I’m kind of pissed because he knows a) I HATE the condoms, and b) I HATE having to buy them – juvenile maybe, but honestly, I have to see these checkout people regularly, and I didn’t want to be there at Costco buying a huge box of rubbers. He goes, “We have 3 kids, what do they think they came down from Heaven?”. As it happened the people at the checkout were complete strangers, so I felt fine buying the box although I hid it under the other stuff on the checkout belt. And I was kind of glad, because I pretty much assumed Trip’s comment meant we were going to have a date. So I got myself to bed by nine, when he did, and he turns with his back to me, and really settled down, and I asked my usual, “Are you going to sleep?” and he tiredly says, “yes”. And I said “Sweet dreams” not sarcastically, I was more already deflated, but wanted to kind of make nice. here come the tears writing this… So I laid there and review in my mind – he DID say go get rubbers – we didn’t do it last night – it can’t be his cold, because that didn’t stop him Friday – and I know I’m going to get my period any time now (might as let it all out) so what is he waiting for? Then I just got out of bed because I knew I couldn’t just fall asleep and I was crushed (AGAIN).

I came down here and did some web surfing – even looked for a job in his field in Asheville and emailed him two. Then I remembered my borrowed book, The Sex Starved Marriage buried under my papers at my desk. My girlfriend ___ (who is the only person I’ve spoken to about this problem) loaned it to me. I had mentioned it to Trip after she gave it to me last week – I told him I thought it might help us. I won’t re-play the entire exchange – I can’t believe I’m actually sharing this – but he doesn’t really understand that this is a serious problem – it isn’t HIS problem and he had been calling the shots on this for our entire relationship – sometimes it’s a little better than others, but he just can’t know how much this hurts me, and that’s partly my fault. I have talked with him about this many times. Specifically asked for sex more often, kissing, caressing, whatever. I actually started crying a few weeks ago as I watched a couple (actually my old neighbor who I think is an asshole) but he was walking with his wife, arm in arm, rubbing her shoulder and gave her a warm kiss and hug as they parted ways. I never imagined I would be in this kind of touchless relationship.

I have heard how some friends who are in the opposite situation from me about their perspective. First I thought, “What I wouldn’t give for ‘almost every night’!” but then I can imagine how they might feel. And they felt like when their husband would initiate any kissing or touching if they responded it seemed like an invitation to sex for their randy partner. I can only imagine. I called him “Roomie” a few weeks ago after a particularly notable dry spell. Wished it would make him prove me wrong.

Recently, adding insult to injury, Trip’s old friend Todd was over for an impromptu visit, and as we were sitting around while I made cookies with Alex, Trip says, “So this is Family Life.” And Todd goes, “Well I don’t notice any physical contact between you two.” then something like “that’s one of the things I thought was a perk of marriage, someone I could hug and touch” – gets up and squeezes my shoulders – “how can you not want to touch her?” I laughed, (nervously) and cover up with, “Trip doesn’t believe in that – no Public Displays of Affection. hee hee.” (which he has told me – accept it seems to apply to when we are home alone, as well). I hate that it’s so obvious to any casual observer. I don’t want our kids to think that what they see in us is a healthy relationship. It pained me hearing Trip’s brother say how he & my sister in law think it’s important for Caleb to see them touching and being affectionate. Same with other friends. Lovely.

Reading this book has put my thoughts into words. And I was crying again thinking about all these years, and how talking about this with him in the past has yielded nothing. He said something like being asked to provide affection takes away from the spontaneous heartfelt display. I’m not saying it right – he assures me he loves me and I believe he does in a way, just not in a sexual way – and I love him. I can’t imagine disrupting our home (it could be happier – I’m working on it) but we have a good family. But I don’t want to live my whole life like this – feeling like a beggar half the time. So that was enough for a night of crying. Even when I fell asleep, somehow I woke up several times and some new aspect would occur to me or whatever and then I was crying again. I didn’t want to fight with him about, I’m actually almost tired of talking and trying anymore. I woke up tired, my eyes are puffy like a frog, but I was mostly sad, not angry. I walked to our room, and Trip’s clearly mad. I almost leaned in to kiss and hug him to try to lovingly break the ice, but I stopped in my tracks at his anger. He said something like, “Nice to have you sleeping in the guest room all night” I didn’t say anything. I took a shower and came down and I told him I wasn’t trying to be angry with him, I’m really sad, and honestly I didn’t think it would help matters for us to get into any kind of big talk about it last night because he’s sick and needs to sleep. He feels hurt that I wasn’t there. This is going on forever. I guess you get the picture. I don’t know what to do. I guess we might talk about this some more. SSM recommends that I write down how I feel and I guess I’ve done that here but I need to write specifically to Trip and tell him or just read it to him. It’s not the kind of thing I want on paper – curiously, blurting this out to my computer seems safer. I do feel a little better – my head is clearer now. I think I can make a list – always a good start.