Spring Cleaning
sometimes I don’t know what gets into me – but I’m able to do astounding amounts of things in a day. It is especially amazing in contrast to the days I can’t seem to get anything done. Today I was on a roll – cleaned most of the windows (inside & out), vacuumed all over the house, went grocery shopping, mowed the lawn (with my push mower!), watered the flowers, wacked the weeds and have almost put everything away. AND I did my Margaret Richards tape!!! I’m only up to 4198 steps, which makes me wonder if this pedometer is working properly. I’ve been running around so much today. But it was all happy progress – not even stressed out – except when the kids threatened to make me have to go home to get Elliot & Elijah before I was finished with all of the errands. So I’m going to finish putting away my groceries and stuff and make a nice dinner. Trip will be off till next Wednesday, so we have a nice long stretch of time to relax a bit.
Living Will
I recently sent a broadcast email to most of my friends and family including this link to an online form of an Advance Directive or Living Will. Of course lots of people were talking about his subject when the unfortunate Terri Schiavo case was in the news, but I’m sure as talk died down, so did the thoughts of actually making sure nothing like this ever happens to you! Who ever thinks things would get so out of hand? Trip and I had a discussion as we passed on the stairs – it went like this. Trippy, I just want to say right now, if I’m ever in this situation – pull the plug! And he said something like “Me too.” If we don’t fill out a form, someday, this blog could be necessary to defend our rights to refuse treatment! I pretty much sent it to everyone, because it’s about specifying your wishes, not taking a political stance, but I’m sure some people nevertheless are going to think there is some political motive behind filling out the form. It’s a shame that’s what it has come to.
Today I folded a load of laundry, cleaned house a bit, cleaned out the basement a bit, paid the bills – horrors! an overdraft! and another one seriously threatening – ran to the bank with my paltry yard sale earnings along with $10 for two copies of the DVD I made of Elliot’s school play. Dropped off a huge pile of magazines at the library – I purged them. Dropped off 3 huge boxes to the Salvation Army, along with the potentially adorable night stand dresser that I picked from the garbage. I decided to scale back my project pile and spare our marriage the stress of Trip looking askance at my labor. Now I’m listening to Alex whining because he wants to go to a friend’s house. I’m peeved because Michele wasn’t home all day, even though today was the day we had said we might get together. And it doesn’t take much to put me over the edge when Alex is in one of his moods. I’m going to find something to do. until later, adios.
Mosaic
Today was a great day, following a crappy night. I’m barely keeping myself together emotionally whenever the subject of baby girls crosses my mind, which is rather frequent and not all my fault. The other day my boss Frank called me to ask – “My friends just had their baby girl Christened, what should I write on the card?” I was even quite put out to hear that Colby from Survivor has adopted a baby girl! So I had a long talk with Trip last night (long over due) but we are on opposite sides of the table about this. He is suffering along with me in my unhappiness, but he can’t alter his own feelings about it, and neither can I. So it’s horrible. If I think about it I cry but other than that, life goes on around me. I finished my mom’s scrapbook – sorry to say I have no pictures – because I want to scan the pages and I have to do each one twice to fit it and then line it up and photo edit it. Big pain in the butt. But it’s done, and mommy loved it. We held our yard sale yesterday, and it wasn’t that great in terms of income, although it was nice to unload so much crap – cleared out a lot of stuff – gave away tons – found some cute little cheap things for the boys and even for me when mom and I took a little walk to some of the other sales in town (It’s the Town-wide Yard Sale day). Today I decided to finally use my gift certificate for Casa Picasso. It’s a paint your own pottery and mosaic place. I made this mosaic there a few years ago at my friend’s party. Today I decided to bust up some old China I’ve been carrying around. (said I’d do a project with it someday…) I followed through! And it’s so pretty. I’m doing another serving tray. I’ll post a pic tomorrow? I spent 3 1/2 glorious hours there. On the way I dropped off the tables we borrowed from Mom & Dad for the yard sale and picked up a cute little night stand dresser out of someone’s trash. It will be soooo cute when I refinish it. Of course, Trip was asking derisively what that piece of junk was doing in the car. At least he didn’t have to lift it!
In other news, the house is spiffy, I’m excited to finish my cushions out front to make my porch look put together. Ben might visit this weekend – all the more reason to work extra hard to make the house look nice. I have to make a nice list tomorrow to map out the week, and then Trip will be home the rest of this busy week. Friday is spa day, and I’m still fat as ever. So much for “rewarding our weight loss” but I’ll be damned if I’m giving up my spa day!
One more thing… I’m planning to make a little wish box – a place to put my energy which is so driven towards wanting a baby girl. I read about this on the Birth Intuitive website. I was looking for some professional counsel for this grief I’m having, and I am very hopeful after exchanging emails with her. I have to come up with some money, but I think she will be able to help me come to terms with this. In regards to this wish box which they are calling a baby altar I copied this from the website of Teresa Robertson, a Certified Nurse Midwife. from an interview she did. “The baby altar is a way to create physical space within your home for an unborn child. It can also serve as a spiritual focus. Creating a baby altar is one of the things I urge anyone to do in preparation for conception or during pregnancy. Of course, my use of the word altar reflects my Catholic upbringing — substitute any word (puja, shrine etc.) which has significance for you. The baby altar delineates a specific energetic space for the spirit of your baby.” This kind of thing is right up my alley.
Until tomorrow…
Sewing again
I know it’s not quite the baby project that I needed to finish, but yesterday I made a few quick things.
First – a recap – Saturday I was up early and ran Mom & Dad’s yard sale for them. They paid me $85 for my efforts, which was lovely. They got rid of a bunch of stuff, and I got some of their leftovers for my own yard sale next week. I used some of my earnings to buy material to re-cover my cushions on the front porch furniture and to cover the ottoman that I picked out of the trash. I really was ready – and to my delight, the material is on sale at the Rag Shop this week. So I started that yesterday – covered the ottoman and the big cushion – maybe more today – I need more material. I also made Elliot’s spider costume – just a few Spider legs sewn onto his black turtleneck. I attached them with Invisible Thread so that when he moves his arms, all of the arms move. I also did a quickie Humpty Dumpty costume out of felt for Nicholas. I’ll show pics from the play on Thursday.
I also did a nice clean sweep through the downstairs and everything looks lovely. Today I have to do errands that I neglected yesterday. I’m gearing up for that and even managed to clear off some of my desk in preparation! Mom’s scrapbook still not done, but I’ve been doing a page or two every day.
Night Owl
I am up and I’m not happy about it. First off, let me say it’s been a crappy few days since I last wrote. Yesterday was a drastic improvement and today also mostly good, but now I’m down in the pits again and have been for most of the 2 weeks since I last wrote. I should be happy and mellow because I’ve been busy in a good way. Only 6 pages left in my mom’s scrapbook and two of those are mostly done. I got my mother’s day flowers for the garden, and also some I dug up from the side of the road, and I planted them yesterday and today. I’ve also been on a pretty good roll in the house, and even diet wise although I have been studiously avoiding the scale and haven’t really exercised, although I’ve been busting my ass working in the garden. Speaking of diet, I have to rave about the new Barilla pasta. I happened to be in Wegman’s today (still love that place even if I do wander around looking for things a bit much still.) Anyway, some lady was dishing out samples and I got some for the boys and almost missed her saying that it was special Barilla “Plus” pasta with added protein & fiber. Unlike every other “healthy” pasta I’ve tried, this one doesn’t taste like ass. Even the boys LOVED it! (Last time I got 1/2 whole wheat & 1/2 regular special blend pasta from Ronzoni, and Elliot complained about the little things in his pasta (god forbid – the fiber!) This new pasta tastes like regular to me, and 1/4 of the box offers 17 grams of protein )30% of daily value for an adult, 7 grams of fiber (28% of daily value) and 360 mg of Omega 3. (28% of daily value). I have read magazine articles discussing the future booming business of “nutricuitcals” which I took to mean things like my other favorite new snack, Luna Bars – marketed as a meal replacement for women – with added soy protein and folates. But if pasta can help me get fiber and quality protein into the kids without an argument at the table, I’m buying it! (It’s Lentils and Chickpeas providing the protein and fiber, by the way. Two things my kids would gag and make a scene over if I provided at the table in their pure state! I’ll be singing the praises of this stuff for a while, I think. If only it was organic.
In other news, my mom’s scrapbook is beautiful. I can’t wait to work on mine. I saw some new line of stuff from K & Company (who makes scrapbooking stuff) called La Boutique, and it is so sweet! Beautiful wedding stickers and papers. I have a very nice serious bound leather photo album from our wedding photographer, but I still haven’t put together my own album with any of my scrapbooking stuff. I have a picture frame album full of candids, but wanted to eventually do a nice one. Now I just want the whole line of that stuff. I might even take back the album I have now. But I’ll finish up some of my other stuff first. Obviously that isn’t a huge priority.
Tomorrow is friday. I have bills to pay, and some felt to buy at the Rag Shop for Elliot’s spider costume for his school play. Once again, by the same conspirators who frequent my shopping haunts, they have every other blasted thing in the store, every other color of felt, and have the small squares, but managed to be out of the only thing I really needed – Black Felt. You would be amazed at how often it happens to me that the thing I like is suddenly discontinued, or just screwed up in general. I am also working on a Humpty Dumpty for another boy. That should be a nice quick set of costumes.
I don’t know how I let 2 weeks get away, but will be more diligent. So many things to report. Major yard sale this weekend. My in-laws sold their house in Ocean Grove. I passed out in Wegman’s last week. (mostly related to athsma attack.) Trip got me a video camera for my monitor so I can video chat. I have been working on my mom’s scrapbook intensely for the last 2 weeks, and I am really enjoying it. I can’t wait to give it to her. (Also need to re-do her DVD – but need to pace myself with other crap. Hate George Bush. watched his crap speech about Social Security and got all pissed about that, and then learned about this new memo leaked in England and I just want to know when the hell we can get rid of that lying sack of shit and the thieving, manipulative tools of the religious right he is so chummy with. Time for some progressive democrats! This guy is just one bad deal after another.
Regarding my last post on May 1st. I’m still having trouble with this issue. Last weekend I wrote a note to Trip trying to explain what I’m going through with this, and he didn’t make any response at all. I asked him if he read it and he said he just didn’t know what to say to me. So I’m just alone in this as far as I can see. And I am alone now with a lot on my mind. I am not happy. I’m lonely. Well, that ought to cheer everyone up!
What is Wrong With Me
I can’t shake my mood. I am just on the edge of misery. I had a few hours this afternoon to myself, and I spent them cutting out the pieces for the two sets of baby gifts I’m working on. (Boys) That is at least something positive. But in my mind, I am running a constant chatter about a baby girl. It all boils down to this: It doesn’t matter how hard I try to be a good mom, or a good wife, or beg or anything. There is nothing I can do to “fix” my problem. Trip does not feel the way I do, and he doesn’t understand why this is important to me. Perhaps he knows it’s important to me, but he thinks his concerns override that. Even if he was willing to “try again” I wouldn’t want to have another boy, because I really want a girl. So I think adoption is the only way I could bring a girl to our family, but I can’t do that without his full support. So over and over I run through the negatives. The kids stress him out – me too, but I feel far more stress imagining a daughterless future. Money problems – This is the biggest thing, I think, but even this seems like a small and surmountable issue to me. We have plenty and I think we are a happy family, and we could continue making a good home for all of us even if we had one more. I don’t know what I could do to fix that either. But I feel like I’m being punished now. I can’t do anything about it. So I feel angry at the world. Especially people who have daughters under the same conditions I live in or worse. Why should they be rewarded and I be punished? The other day I took a walk with the boys around the corner and a mom got out of her car and left her little baby girl screaming her head off while she went to visit a friend. I watched the car the whole way and then when we got home I drove around the corner to check if she was still there. (The mom had finally gotten her out.) But I kept thinking, Doesn’t she really want her? What if she said, ‘I can’t take this kid anymore – here you take her.’ as I walked by. I kind of wanted to say something to her about leaving the baby, but I kept insisting to myself that she would come right back. Even worse is seeing little girls out doing fun things with their moms. I feel bereft watching them. I was talking to my girlfriend who told me she always wanted girls. She said “I just picture myself when I’m older having my girls around me.” And I was like, “Thanks for rubbing it in – you can shut up now, please.” We laughed – I know what she means, and she didn’t mean to make me feel bad. But what the hell! I even think about what it will be like when I’m my mom’s age and how she comes to visit me, and she has a friend in me. I will never have that. I don’t want to sound so ugly and jealous. I can rationalize everything. I know I have a beautiful family. Trip said it seems like I don’t appreciate what I have, but I do. I know that some people can’t have any kids – we could run through every permutation of things I have that others don’t so why can’t I just be happy with my life. But I am one of 3 sisters, close to my mom and grandma, grew up with several aunts, love being a girl, and actually came through a rough time growing up. When I was an 18 year old and my sister was born I moved across the country to be near her (even though at first I insisted I didn’t want to be involved with her, because my dad was screwing up once again.) I baby sat her whenever I could. People often thought she was mine, but I always knew she wasn’t and it was very hard for me to watch her growing up without being able to be her mom, because there were so many times I wanted to give her more than she had. And I don’t mean materially. I want a chance to watch my own little girl grow up, and to be the mom I wish I had. Every mom makes “mistakes”, and I’m not saying I envision this perfect motherhood, but I really have so much to give for a little girl. I have considered how I could put this energy into something else, and spend time with other little girls, but that is not what I want. And that is part of why I am so sad. Trip clearly doesn’t want kids, and he’s told me that for some time. I’ve been selling off the baby stuff here and there, but in my mind, I’m not really done. And I keep thinking that some time later he will change his mind, or something will change and I can live out my dream somehow. But whenever I am faced with considering that this will never be, I fall apart. And watching close friends with 2 baby girls is going to be pure torture. Trip said I’m going to have to work through this one. But I don’t know how. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep now.
Gossamer Threads 
